


the days between

by nightbloomings



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Adventure, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 12:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightbloomings/pseuds/nightbloomings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vignettes and one-shots of moments between the events we know in-game, from Boston to Salt Lake City and beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**SUMMER; BOSTON**  
 _JOEL_

Not thinking on things is as necessary to survival as a quick wit and a handful of bullets, and it's something that Joel's gotten pretty good at. If he'd spent the last twenty years thinking on everything he'd seen or done or lost... well, he'd never have made it that long, anyway.

There's a lot of things to not think about, though, and they pile up more and more every day.

_Don't think about where those ration cards came from. Don't think about who could use 'em better than you, bribing your way between zones and behind locked doors. Don't think about that guy you just choked out, or his people (if he had any left, anyway). Don't think about your people, not the ones you have left or the ones you don't. More than anything, don't think about your life before all this shit, 'cause it ain't your life any longer._

This is his life now, and so long as he intends to keep being in it, he has to just keep going and not think on any of it except for what might happen in the next hour, the next day, that kind of thing. There's no point in thinking on what happened even five minutes ago, because five minutes ago he could've died, but he didn't.

Not Tess, though. All she'd had was luck, as much as anybody else, and that runs out for everybody sooner or later. That's what she'd said, what they'd always said, to make themselves feel better, to distract themselves when they got to thinking on things too much.

Ellie wasn't supposed to be Joel's problem. A simple drop off and that'd be it--hands wiped, debts cleared. But things don't always go how they're supposed to, so now she is his problem, and not one that he can just put aside and not think about. She's special--real god damn _special_ \--and that life of hers is more valuable than Joel's, than Tess', than anybody else's. But she's just a kid, and for all that nerve her mouth's got, it doesn't count for shit when there's a gun pointed at her or when there's infected around the corner.

The thought of having to protect someone again overwhelms him. He hasn't had to worry about anything like that since... well, not since before. Tommy was a shithead sometimes but at least he knew how to fire a gun. Tess could take of herself better than most, and if she'd ever heard Joel say that he's the one protecting her, he'd feel it sharp across his cheek.

So he compartmentalises and breaks everything down into whatever he can manage right now. Right now, they're walking to Lincoln. They'll find Bill, somewhere; wherever he's holed up now. Bill will set them up with a car, hopefully, and then they'll head west. Tommy's out west, in Wyoming, and he'll know where to take it from there. He'll take Ellie and they'll head out to wherever the Fireflies are, and Joel will be able to focus on getting things back to normal. Maybe he'll keep heading west, up to Oregon or something. Whatever. He doesn't need to figure that part out now, he just needs to focus on getting the kid to Tommy's.

It's been a long, long time since Joel's been around a girl her age, and frankly, he's surprised at how unfamiliar it seems to him. He has no idea how to talk to her, and when he tries, his voice is more harsh and gruff than it really ought to be. None of this is her fault, he knows, but there's some bitter part of him that can't help but think that if it hadn't been for her...

He tries to keep that part down deep, but it bubbles up sometimes, whenever he starts thinking on Tess. Ellie doesn't flinch or anything, though, when he snaps at her. She just stares at him with those big, glassy green eyes, always waiting just a beat too long to answer and making Joel wonder if she's actually going to shoot back after all, and then she nods or shrugs and says 'fine' or 'whatever' or something else dismissive.

He keeps Ellie on his right as they walk, positioning himself between her and the highway, even though he hasn't seen a working car since the QZ. She hasn't said anything since they set out from Boston, walking next to him with her hands gripping the straps of her backpack over her shoulder, as if the thing's grounding her somehow. That's fair, he thinks--everybody needs something concrete and familiar to hold onto now and again--and he realises that he hasn't got much to hold onto himself, now that Tess is gone.

By the time they reach Lincoln, they've been walking for nearly six hours, and Joel's tired. His place back in Boston was never what he'd call comfortable, but at least it was somewhere he could stop and rest. He can feel a dull ache radiating across his lower back, and he knows that before the day's out, it'll stretch the whole way up his spine. It's times like this that he remembers, no matter how empty his pack might be, he's carrying twenty years worth of this shit on his shoulders. He surpassed the point of wondering when it all would end about fifteen years back, but the time doesn't make enduring the weight of it all any easier. He tries again not to think on it, but it's about as helpful as slapping a bandaid on a bullet wound.

Ellie starts talking about the forest around them, and that works as a pretty good distraction. Joel hasn't been surrounded by this much nature since before reaching Boston, and after so many years, he'd wondered how much of it was really left. It could've all been razed to the ground by now and he wouldn't have known the difference from the dingy, dilapidated depths of the city. But Ellie's never seen a forest before, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets her enjoy it. It reminds him of the hikes he used to take with Sarah, but the memory's a little too heady, especially with the kid walking up ahead. It'd be real easy to picture Sarah inspecting that fern instead of Ellie, but he doesn't even dare, no matter how much he really wants to see her again. Instead, he keeps walking, one eye on Ellie and one on the path ahead of them. It's pretty and peaceful, sure, but he doesn't trust it. Infected don't care about either of those things, and they're just as likely to be lurking around here as anywhere else. So he keeps his guard up, listening for any of those particular noises that never fail to make the hairs at the back of his neck stand up.

This is why he can't get caught up in thinking on things. He can sit and wallow all he wants, and even fade away if he feels like it, once this is all over. But for now, he has to keep his eyes up and his head right, because this responsiblity, this obligation is his now and he knows it's more important than any self-indulgent memory.


	2. Chapter 2

**LATE SUMMER; PITTSBURGH**   
_ELLIE_

Ellie's never been to a funeral. It would've been a hard thing to organise back in the Zone... half the time there wasn't even a body to bury. And if there was, it was usually corrupted by the _cordyceps_ and the only option was to burn it, to prevent the parasites from leeching into the soil.

Instead, people seemed to mourn in their own ways, with shrines or memorials. There'd been a lot of those around: small clutches of dried-out flowers tied to fences; faded, dog-eared photographs taped to lampposts; vague messages scrawled starkly on walls.

She hopes that what she and Joel did for Henry and Sam was enough. Joel had wanted it over and done with before sunrise, in order to clear the area before more hunters or infected showed up, but that hadn't sat with Ellie. Without Henry and Sam, she and Joel would've been fish food, if they'd have even managed to reach the bridge in the first place; it wouldn't have been right to not do _something_.

So she'd said a few words before letting Joel fill in the shallow grave, thanking Henry for saving their asses and getting them to the water tower, and telling Sam that, no matter what, he shouldn't feel bad for what happened, that it wasn't his fault, because she knew that he'd have blamed himself for it all somehow.

She blames herself, though. She should've had a closer eye on Sam while Henry was taking care of the infected that Joel hadn't been able to hit. Even worse, she'd had a gun herself, but she hadn't used it. What was the point of even carrying that thing around if she wasn't going to use it in a moment like that? What had she been waiting for? She'd used it back in the sewers, no problem--Henry had even told her he was surprised at how good a shot she was. It was stupid-- _she_ was stupid--to not help Henry to fight those fuckers back. Maybe if she'd kept her head together Sam wouldn't have been bit and there'd be four of them walking that shitty dirt road to wherever they were headed, instead of just two.

Later that night, she starts digging around in her backpack for the issue of Savage Starlight that Joel had found back in the city, but instead of feeling thin, grubby paper, her fingers glance over smooth plastic. She pauses and tries to remember the things she'd thrown in there recently, but everything that's happened since the water tower is muddled and hazy. She opens the pack wider and looks inside and, seeing a sliver of red, realises what it is. She glances up to see where Joel's at--hunched over the small fire a few feet away, his back to her--and pulls the robot out. She thumbs the front of it and frowns; she'd meant to leave it with Sam, but had forgotten about it in the rush to leave.

It hurts, to see the toy again. She'd only known him for a little while but she liked Sam, and she misses him. It had been good to have someone to laugh with over stupid stuff. Shit, it'd just been good to laugh at all. Joel's not really much for the whole humour thing, except for jaded sarcasm--that he's pretty fond of. Sure, she knows some of those cheesy puns have gotten to him once or twice but he never does anything except scoff and shake his head and that's not really the same thing as a real _laugh_.

She lets out a small sigh, playing around with the robot's arms a little. She looks up and Joel's still hunched over the fire, and by the little pops and cracks it's making, she figures he's still trying to get it going right.

"Hey... Joel?"

He grunts in answer. That's how Joel seems to communicate, through huffs and grunts and other guttural noises. They all seem to mean something different, though. Ellie's never really been around babies, but she figures it's kinda the same, trying to figure out what the thing wants without the help of words. Or maybe like a dog or something... an old, scruffy, short-tempered dog.

"Do you ever..." Her voice trails off in hesitation. She can guess how this is going to go before she even gets started, but something in her needs some sort of answer. "Do you ever think about what happens to people, after...?"

"After what?"

“After they get bit, after they turn."

Joel scoffs and looks over his shoulder so that Ellie can only just see the side of his face. "What the hell else do you think we've been dealin' with this whole damn time?"

Ellie sighs again and shoves the toy back into her pack. "That's not what I mean. I'm not talking about their body, I mean the person. Like their soul, or whatever."

"Their soul..."

Ellie waits for him to continue but he doesn't say anything else, he just keeps hovering over the fire. "Yeah, you know, _most_ people supposedly have one?"

Joel rests his chin on his shoulder and looks at Ellie from the wrinkly corner of his eye. "Why exactly are you askin' me about somethin' like that?"

"I don't know, it's just... something I've been thinking about."

"Thinking about stuff like that--stuff that ain't got a real answer?” Joel says, shifting until he’s facing her. “That'll trip you up real quick, Ellie."

"Yeah. But that night, Sam was talking about it, saying he’d heard their souls go to heaven to be with their families and stuff, and he asked me if I believed that and I didn't really know what to say." Ellie looks down at her hands and notices a new hangnail, and starts fiddling with it. "Do you believe in that stuff? In God and heaven and everything?”

Joel sighs and stands up, brushing his palms on the front of his jeans. He moves over to the log next to the fire and sits down, resting his forearms on his knees. "I used to, I suppose. But it's kinda hard to put stock in something you ain't seen evidence of after so long. Why do you care so much?"

Ellie shrugs and pays closer attention to her fingernail, bringing her hand up to her face. It’s not that she doesn’t know how to answer or anything, it’s just that suddenly Joel’s voice is quiet and almost soft, as if he’s not one of the most ornery people she’s ever met. It reminds her of when they’d just made it out of the sewers; he’d seemed pretty shaken up.

"Look," Joel says, letting out a deep breath, "whenever Sam started turnin', that was the end of it. It wasn't Sam that you found when you woke up that morning. What happened to him is the reaction to the infection, plain and simple. The soul ain't got a say one way or another, so whatever happens to it, if you believe in that kinda thing, doesn't matter much, does it?"

Ellie shakes her head. Joel sounds all sharp and rough again by the time he stops talking, and she knows that that’s all she’ll get out of him for now. "I know... I guess I just wanted to know that he was okay."

Joel looks down and kicks at something with the toe of his boot, and then he looks up at Ellie from under his thick eyebrows, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he reaches for his backpack that’s sitting a few feet away and starts rifling through it. Ellie can hear the sharp jangle of nails in a tin container and the swishing of alcohol in a half-empty bottle, and she wonders whether he’s actually rooting around for anything in particular or if he’s just diverting.

A few minutes later, the rummaging stops. "We don’t get to know that," Joel says, his voice quiet again but no less pointed. "Things happen, and we move on." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kind of twists canon a little bit. I know the writers didn't have Ellie bring up the toy robot until they'd reached Jackson County for plot purposes, but I think she'd have realised a lot sooner that she'd forgotten to leave it with Sam. Hence, this chapter. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**FALL; JACKSON COUNTY**   
_JOEL_

They're a day outside of Jackson County when Joel realises--really realises--that he'll be seeing Tommy again soon. But that's not what gets him. Instead, it's the realisation that he wants to see him, that he's looking forward to it, that knocks the wind out of him.

It'll be alright, he figures--probably. It's been a long time since they've seen each other, and despite all the shit between them, they're still brothers. Blood and all that, it's gotta count for something, right? It has to, he thinks, glancing at Ellie at his right. It has to, because what the fuck else is he gonna do with the kid?

He feels real shitty, sitting there thinking about how he's going to pass her off on Tommy, while she's sitting on his right, reading another one of those comics and waving her shoed feet in front of the fire they've got going. It's been good to have someone to travel with, even if that someone's a fourteen year old girl. She's a lot older than her age, though. The shit he and Ellie have seen... well, Ellie just blinks and hardens, so much that he can see the change in her face when it happens, and she just pushes through. And he'd have been dead long ago, probably a few times over, if not for her saving his ass.

But that's just it--the close calls. There've been too many of them. Joel couldn't give a shit what happens to him, but until he gets Ellie into Tommy's hands, he hasn't got any other choice.

A moment later, Joel can hear Ellie knocking tin cans together. he looks over at her. and she waggles them at him.

"Your turn to choose. Red beans or black beans?"

Joel scoffs and shakes his head. "I really do not care."

"Yeah, I know." Ellie sighs and puts the cans down. "A rabbit or something would've been good." She starts drumming her fingers on the top of one of the cans. She's got a million and one riffs and rhythms in her head, Joel figures, because he hasn't ever heard the same one twice. "Okay, let's make a game of it," she says, suddenly looking up at Joel. "If you could turn these beans into any other food right now, what would it be?"

"What?"

Ellie levels her eyes at him and raises an eyebrow, the one with the scar cutting through it.

" _Ellie_ ," Joel says, "just pick a can and get on with it."

"C'mon, _Joel_. It's a _game_. Maybe then these shitty beans will actually taste like something good for once."

"There ain't no point in thinking on something you can't have, unless you're fixin' to set yourself up for disppointment."

"Yeah, but I'll be disappointed in these beans no matter what, so no harm done, right? Look, I'll go first. If I could turn these stupid black beans into anything else, it'd be... pizza."

"You ever even _had_ pizza?"

Ellie's mouth turns into a crooked pout. "Well, no. but I remember hearing people talking about it, back in the Zone, and it sounded like it was a big deal. I bet I'd like it."

Joel huffs out a short laugh and nods. "Pizza _was_ pretty good, I give 'em that..."

"Is it true you could pay people to bring it to your house or whatever?"

"Yeah."

"Man," Ellie says, shaking her head. "Trucks driving around selling ice cream, paying people to bring food to you... you guys were super lazy back then, huh." She picks up one of the cans and points the top of it at Joel. "Okay, your turn."

Joel sighs and crosses his arms over his chest. He's pretty sure the kid isn't going to let up until he gives her an answer. "Fine. Pork chops."

Ellie laughs--a real, proper laugh, too. "What the hell are pork chops?"

"Pork? It's... it's from a pig."

"A pig... Oh! Those big fat things that snort around all over the place, right?"

"Yeah... more or less, I guess. Pork chops with apple butter and some mashed potatoes. Ain't nothin' better."

"I don't know, Joel... sounds kinda weird," Ellie says, wrinkling her nose.

"Uh-uh," Joel says, shaking his head. "You get it cooked just right and that'll be one of the best meals you ever eat."

"I think I'll just stick with my pizza-beans."

Joel scoffs. "Just cook the damn beans," he mutters, pushing back the small smile that's cracked the corner of his mouth.

Ellie laughs again, a bit quieter this time. "What you say, goes," she says, and starts opening one of the cans.

Joel leans against the log behind him. The thought of pork chops gets him thinking about late summer nights, when he'd grill up dinner for him and Sarah, and sometimes Tommy too. They'd sit out back of the house and eat and drink and laugh. And then once the sun had finally started to drop in the late evening, after Sarah had gone to bed, he'd grab another beer and his guitar and stay out there for another couple hours, strumming out nothing in particular.

He'd rather have the guitar now than the pork chops, he figures. He's found more than a couple abandoned ones, here and there, and some in pretty good condition, too. But he can't cart a guitar around--if it doesn't fit in the pack, and can't fend off a stack of clickers, it doesnt come along; that's the rule.

Maybe he'll get one later, once he's done with all this. With Ellie. That's what that really means, no point in calling it something in isn't.

He starts feeling real shitty again--guilty, almost. What's he got to feel guilty about, though? The agreement was to bring the kid to Tommy's, and that's been the agreement ever since the capitol building.

And maybe if he tries a bit harder, he'll convince himself that nothing's changed since then.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joel's the first person Ellie's felt she could rely on since Riley, and that feels like a pretty big fucking deal, trusting someone that much. It'd all be a lot easier, she figures, if she could've just fended for herself from the start. Who knows how long she'd have lasted... but at least there wouldn't have been anyone else to worry about. Or anyone to worry about her. 
> 
> She wouldn't have made it out of Boston, probably, if she's honest with herself. And that's why the thought of having to continue on without Joel scares her so much. She needs him, and the girl that she was back in the Zone would've hated to admit that. But whatever, it's the truth.

**EARLY WINTER; SILVER LAKE**   
_ELLIE_

If there's one thing that's been constant through everything, aside from the infected, it's been Joel telling Ellie where to go, what to do, and how to do it. But now, Ellie hasn't heard Joel speak in nearly a week, and it's a strange thing, being faced with the silence. He's been conscious, mostly, but it's been hard to tell sometimes. He spent the entire trek up into the mountains slumped over Callus' neck, and he only started to slip off once, on the second day.

Ellie's not even sure where they are now--there was a sign a ways back that said Silver Lake Ski Resort, but it seems kind of like the middle of nowhere. She'd just pointed Callus in the opposite direction of the University and rode, following the first highway they'd come across. When the highway ended, they headed upwards along some two-lane road into the mountains and they just kept going and going until the road eventually plateaued out at the entrance of the resort.

So, yeah, they're totally lost but at least they're alone.

And at least Joel's still alive. Ellie's not sure how much longer he'll last, though. He's been laid out on a thin mattress under thin blankets on the basement floor of the cabin they've been holed up in for the last three days. She's gotten him to eat a few mouthfuls of food, and he's drank some melted snow, too. But he's got a fever, and it seems pretty bad. Ellie can feel the heat radiating off of him through his clothes and the blanket on top of him, and his hair's constantly drenched in sweat, stuck to his forehead. She'd found a scrap of a dirty old towel the day before and has been burying it in the snow and then laying it over Joel's forehead. The thing's always heated through within a couple of hours but its the best she can do.

Ellie can't really tell when he's sleeping and when he's not; it's pretty much the same state either way. But sometimes he shifts and he starts mumbling. It's mostly incoherent, no words to pick out at all. But sometimes Ellie recognises names. There's 'Tess' a few times, 'Tommy' a few others, and 'Sarah' more often then both of those. But there's one Ellie's never heard before, and thinking about who she is, or more likely _was_ , makes this hard knot of guilt tense up deep in her stomach and she has no idea why.

'Jenny.'

Joel mutters it over and over and he always sounds sad. Not like with the others--those times he sounds urgent or frustrated. But 'Jenny' is always desperate and barely more than breath. Ellie's pretty sure she knows whose name it is, but even if she could, she'd never ask; that part of Joel is buried so far deep, she'll probably never get there, even if he makes it through this.

She doesn't want to think about what'll happen if he doesn't. She doesn't panic easily--never has--but the thought of not having Joel around sends her into a spiral pretty fast. And she's feels really fucking selfish for it, with Joel lying there on the floor, mumbling to himself and wincing through the pain.

It's just that she's never been completely alone, not really. Even at the prep school, when she'd sometimes go days without really talking to anybody, at least there were still people around. And then there was Riley, and Ellie wishes more than anything that she could be here with her right now, because then at least they'd have each other. Joel's the first person Ellie's felt she could rely on since Riley, and that feels like a pretty big fucking deal, trusting someone that much. It'd all be a lot easier, she figures, if she could've just fended for herself from the start. Who knows how long she'd have lasted... but at least there wouldn't have been anyone else to worry about. Or anyone to worry about her.

She wouldn't have made it out of Boston, probably, if she's honest with herself. And that's why the thought of having to continue on without Joel scares her so much. She needs him, and the girl that she was back in the Zone would've hated to admit that. But whatever, it's the truth.

She realised it back in Jackson County, in that sunny pink bedroom, watching Joel recoil at Sarah's name. The thought of him going on without her had left a feeling of something like dread sitting heavy in her chest and it kept getting worse the closer they got to Tommy's. And it wasn't even about being alone at that point; not really. She'd have had Tommy, and that probably would've been fine. Maybe they'd have even made it to Salt Lake without one of them getting impaled on a rusty piece of rebar. But then she wouldn't have had Joel.

And then suddenly Joel started talking to her like... like a _parent_ or something and he hoisted her up onto Callus, and she'd never felt that kind of relief before. She didn't even care that she cared so much, she was just thankful he'd changed his mind.

On the morning of the fourth day in the cabin, Ellie realises they're nearly out of food. There's one can of beans left and that won't last long. She'd combed through the other cabins around them already, but they'd already been pretty well picked over and she hadn't been able to gather much. While she's rifling through her pack she hears Joel groan over her shoulder, something low and weak. She moves over to him and his breathing sounds more strained.

"Hey," she whispers, putting a hand on his shoulder so that he knows she's next to him. "How're you feeling, Joel?"

He doesn't say anything, of course. He doesn't even nod or shake his head or grimace. He just draws in a shallow breath and lets it out with a shudder and it confirms what Ellie already knows.

"Yeah... I know." She frowns, looking down at him, with his sallow, clammy skin and gaunt cheeks. He's starting to look smaller and smaller, but she tries not to worry about that. "Here," she says, pulling back the blanket. "Let's see how that's healing."

But that's the problem: it's not. She doesn't want it to seem as bad as it probably is so she moves his arm out of the way and lifts the hem of his shirt. The wound is angry and festering, and the sight of it makes Ellie's stomach lurch--it's pretty nasty but that's not it. It's because it's a part of Joel. Her first thought is that she's going to have to figure something out soon, but then she stops--what exactly is there to figure out? There's no hope of finding any medicine anywhere nearby, and Joel's not going to be in a condition to move any time soon anyway. She'd have to go alone, but where? Should she just wander off with Callus, with no map and even less of an idea of where they'd even be on one? Or should she just sit here, watching as Joel withers away more and more?

She lowers the hem of Joel's shirt and pulls the blanket back up to his chin. What would he do, if she were the one laid out? Frown and yell and kill a bunch of things, probably... But then he'd also try to break it down into pieces he could manage. If there's one thing she's sure of, it's that he hates thinking about things. He just does what he needs to get through the next hour or day or whatever.

So she thinks about what she needs to do right now, today. She looks over at her pack and sees the one can of beans laid on top of it. Food--that's the number one priority right now. Joel's rifle is resting up against the far wall; she could grab it and she if there's anything to hunt in the woods. He'd kill her for taking that thing on her own, though, if he could stay awake long enough to do it. Then she sees the bow a few feet away and figures that's as good a compromise as there's going to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, sorry for taking so long with this update :c Work's been really really hectic lately and I haven't been able to concentrate on writing as much. But things are starting to settle, so it won't be so long before the next chapter. As always, thanks for reading!


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